Fully skinned Heidi in out and back in the closet

So this blog may be one of the more difficult blogs i've ever written. Those of you out there that talk to me in person, please keep this blog to blog land...if you want to comment or e-mail me, I am all ears, but please keep it to a virtual platform. I appreciate it.

My life has been full of middle kid syndrome for my whole life. I am the peace maker, the comedian, the middle man, the one that tends to TRY to please everyone. BUT...that didn't always come with Heidi getting her needs met.

Well, the past few years I have been more focused on finding my own life path, and in that, pushing some of my NEED to please everyone else while putting myself and my feelings aside, and just really focusing on finding my own happiness and hoping that in turn it will bring others happiness around me. Wow...sorry, way bad run-on and on sentance.

Well, the past month or two, a few things, people, and experiences have brought old feelings, old issues, old Heidi to surface, AND...I am not very comfortable or pleased about it.

I have recently found a very special present that was given to me about 10 years ago, by my best friend at the time...a leather bound engraved poetry book...see I used to write A-LOT! After reading some of those poems again, I realized not only had I stuffed some of my old ways, I stuffed some of my old talents too. Some of the poems brought new life, some were silly and immature, but a few, a few were so real and pertinent to that moment, that I kinda gave myself an internal and external self lashing. It was difficult to read those words, and feel those feelings again. Different time, different circumstances, but completely relative and painful. The moment threw me into a tail spin of sorts and the past little while has caused me to have many many battles, within, as well as without. With people I love, with people I respect, and with myself. It's been a very difficult time in my life to say the least.

I have questioned my relationship, I have questioned my friendships, I have questioned my sanity, I have questioned my willingness to give and be given to, and I have especially questioned my selfishness vs having my needs met.

I am happy to say, that with past experiences in therapy, I have the tools I need to get through this time. I am making it very clear to those around me that I am not willing to do what it seems evident that I did before and that was just stuff that part of me but yet I need to learn how to co-exhist with this part of me. However I think this time is going to require patience with myself as well as patience from others.

I need to stay true to me...so that down the path, I wont look back with regret. I truly believe no matter what decisions you make in life, they should be made without regret!

I don't know what my near future will hold. I am working on my relationship, my friendships,
and especially myself.

I will try to keep you posted on my success...'cause I do know, with time and patience I will find success...whatever way that path leads.

TTFN
Heidi

Disappear with a trace

So I have been a little out of time and energy for blog city these days. But today is a semi casual day that will allow me to take some time to spit out some of the thoughts i've had the last few months.

I no longer work in the cd store, they ended up closing the doors, guess you have to have a passion for your work and not always hope it's a money maker or else your business will fail...this is what happened to my boss...therefore, after 14 years, I am sad to say I no longer work in the music retail field.

I have moved on to be the assitant manager of a used and new video game store in West Valley. It's called Play-n-Trade. It's a blast...if your family has video game systems or even if they don't come see me and I will get you hooked up with the games of your choice without having to pay full "new" retail value.

My mom is done with radiation. She completed it with just a few complications. Because the radiation had to be shot through her throat it damaged her vocal cords, but all in all she's doing really well. Again! YEAH! May 10th is the Susan G Koman Race for the Cure here in SLC. We are planning to walk in it in recognition of my Mom, my Aunt, Patrice's Aunt and grandma. I am looking forward to it.

Softball started this past thursday. I am a little bitter about the fact that some of my old players opted to move on and start their own team...but we should have a good team. Patrice is really struggling with her knees right now, so she's hung up her softball shoes and I am now pitching on her behalf. That isn't my first choice of position, but I am proud to say that I had a few strike outs, I threw a runner out at first on a grounder, and I caught a fly ball too. Had we had a full team this week (we were short 2 for half the game) we would have won. But instead we lost by 1. If anyone is interested in coming out to watch...fans are always wanted and needed! :)

Last friday Patrice and I volunteered with Becky, Max, and Steph at the Gay Bingo. We helped raise money for our GLPU group. It was a lot of fun, and I forgot how good it feels to volunteer my time and energy for someone else.

Patrice and I have been talking to a general contractor about remodeling and adding onto her house to make it bigger and better. If all goes well, we'll keep my house to rent out once it's done, and finally after 2 years...live together. Talk about wanting to finally have that aspect of structure and consistency. I am looking forward to that!

I know it's not much...But since it's been awhile I wanted to say hi...and let you know I am alive and well.

I am going to go check on the rest of you...hope to find things all good!

TTFN
Heidi