So this blog may be one of the more difficult blogs i've ever written. Those of you out there that talk to me in person, please keep this blog to blog land...if you want to comment or e-mail me, I am all ears, but please keep it to a virtual platform. I appreciate it.
My life has been full of middle kid syndrome for my whole life. I am the peace maker, the comedian, the middle man, the one that tends to TRY to please everyone. BUT...that didn't always come with Heidi getting her needs met.
Well, the past few years I have been more focused on finding my own life path, and in that, pushing some of my NEED to please everyone else while putting myself and my feelings aside, and just really focusing on finding my own happiness and hoping that in turn it will bring others happiness around me. Wow...sorry, way bad run-on and on sentance.
Well, the past month or two, a few things, people, and experiences have brought old feelings, old issues, old Heidi to surface, AND...I am not very comfortable or pleased about it.
I have recently found a very special present that was given to me about 10 years ago, by my best friend at the time...a leather bound engraved poetry book...see I used to write A-LOT! After reading some of those poems again, I realized not only had I stuffed some of my old ways, I stuffed some of my old talents too. Some of the poems brought new life, some were silly and immature, but a few, a few were so real and pertinent to that moment, that I kinda gave myself an internal and external self lashing. It was difficult to read those words, and feel those feelings again. Different time, different circumstances, but completely relative and painful. The moment threw me into a tail spin of sorts and the past little while has caused me to have many many battles, within, as well as without. With people I love, with people I respect, and with myself. It's been a very difficult time in my life to say the least.
I have questioned my relationship, I have questioned my friendships, I have questioned my sanity, I have questioned my willingness to give and be given to, and I have especially questioned my selfishness vs having my needs met.
I am happy to say, that with past experiences in therapy, I have the tools I need to get through this time. I am making it very clear to those around me that I am not willing to do what it seems evident that I did before and that was just stuff that part of me but yet I need to learn how to co-exhist with this part of me. However I think this time is going to require patience with myself as well as patience from others.
I need to stay true to me...so that down the path, I wont look back with regret. I truly believe no matter what decisions you make in life, they should be made without regret!
I don't know what my near future will hold. I am working on my relationship, my friendships,
and especially myself.
I will try to keep you posted on my success...'cause I do know, with time and patience I will find success...whatever way that path leads.
TTFN
Heidi
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3 comments:
Way to go Heidi. I hope that you are able to take care of you and stand by your decisions with the knowledge and faith that you are doing the right thing.
Be true to yourself and then and only then can you really BE your ture self, right ? (sounded a little Oprah'esque, but you get it :)
Wow. That's a lot to deal with. I wish you well. I know you'll do fine because you're just that kind of girl!
Just be sure to take care of yourself while you're taking care of everyone else! :)
Heid's, I so know what you are talking about. I have dealt with these same issues in my past life. I am so proud that you are pushing thru and trying to find your true self.
We need to get together soon huh?
Summer
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