I am sure I'm not the only one!

I guess I am suprised to find out more often lately that people that I love and that claim to love me have very large conditions on that love.

This weekend was another example of this type of recognition...

In my almost 39 years, I have never had persecution for the earlier times in my life with my religion of choice(LDS)nor for the more "real me" choice in my lifestyle of choice(being a Lesbian). Although I will always say I didn't choose to be attracted to girls, I did choose to allow myself to participate in a lifestyle that is "wrong" in the eyes of the LDS church...but I felt that my happiness is one thing I can reconsile with my God. He wants me to be happy and denying myself of loving and being loved to me is not his "plan".

Although I know I am not in the norm with never having been treated badly, I just didn't understand peoples fears in what "other's think" about the choices we all make in our lives.

UNTIL THIS WEEKEND!

I went to visit my parents in Sacramento this weekend. It was an eye opener, that is for sure. I know some of you have seen, talked about, or at least heard about the front page newspaper article in the Sacramento Bee. It landed on the kitchen table on the heels of a pretty passionate argument/debate my step dad and I had this past weekend.
I was raised a "good LDS girl", and with that came temple attendance, recieving my garments, going on a mission, and planning for that eternal family that is inevitable if I just lived "righteously". These things are things that I always say are part of the foundation of Heidi. I am who I am because of my past, present, and will continue to evolve because of my unwritten future.

My openmindedness and willingness to love without condition and judgment was something that I guess I believe everyone is capable of. But, after hearing some of the things my Dad said in regards to Prop 8 and why he is supporting it. I was overwhelmed to tears. I wasn't mad or sad about his position, I get it, I understand that the LDS Church has a very solid position in what Marriage is "supposed" to be, albeit that it just came to pass in the past 12 years or so. But my tears came from my dad's initial comment that he "wouldn't have this conversation with me" because "if we can't agree there is no reason to discuss it". After a little while of lovingly nudging we did finally have a conversation. I couldn't allow this to put a wedge between us.

My dad is very passionate about America, about freedoms, about his freedom to participate in whatever religion he chooses. He is passionate in his love for my mom, his second wife. He is passionate about his church and how his morals (although not) should be the morals of the world. His biggest passion about Prop 8 is that he doesn't want someone else to reinvent the definition of what marriage is. And it's his "moral obligation to stand up for those morals".

After talking about how his morals and the morals of his fellow congregation members and how they were persecuted in the beginnings of the churchs history, that his church is not the "norm", that his family and marriage is also a redefinition of marriage the way he is fighting so hard to keep "our kind" from being able to redefine. He started saying things like, why can't Americans see that one nation, under God is the way we need to be. I laughed, and he looked at me funny, and then said, "I guess that is what the people that want to vote No on Prop 8 are trying to get across". He sees that it's a civil rights issue, yet he just can't reconcile that with his passion for the Marriage Proclimation of the LDS Church.

I can't imagine his turmoil, with having a daughter that is gay, another daughter living with her "black baby daddy", another daughter who had asked to be excommunicated from his church because she believes in Darwinism and thinks God is a bunch of hoowie oh and also lives with her "boyfriend" of like 15 years. And still doesn't have a clear understanding of who his youngest son is either. It would be hard to have a clear line of sinners on one side of the fence and members of his "forever family" on the other side of the fence within his own "home".

I explained to him, I still have internal conflict at times with the "who I am and what is my purpose" that the LDS church ingrains in your being as you grow up through the ranks. But I am grateful that I have MOSTLY reconciled the fact that I am a good person, that I deserve love, and that happiness is what I am here to find. When I meet my "maker" we can then work out the small stuff. :)

BUT...thank the heavens above for my mom. She's going through her own journey in life with her own trials. And I am happy to say, although doesn't understand all the political and religious jargan, she is very much about "we are all adults and can make our own choices...let people live the way they want to live".

I love them both and respect them both. And am grateful that I have the opportunity to debate with them, to listen and spend time with them. My drive home with my Mom was a blast...we had great weather, listened to a book on cd, had many conversations, and just enjoyed the 12 hour drive. How grateful I am for that time we had. :)

Last night we went to see Dar Williams with our friends Lisa and Jocelyn. Dar is a folksy singer with her own "green" agenda. She was entertaining, and I think my mom even enjoyed it. I got her new album and look forward to our next concert/outing with Lis and Joc. We always have such a great time with them! :)

My mom went home today, she had her last doctor apt until the next bone scan. They ordered special medicine for her to help build up her "levels". She's in good spirits and although had a little trouble with getting tired seems to be doing really good.

She's off to a quilting retreat this weekend and then here and there for the next month or so. As she told me her schedule she laughed and said "Cancer wont make me sick, I am too busy to be sick!". :)

I am looking forward to this weekend, I just might get to go to a GLPU (Parents Group) event FINALLY this weekend, and then sunday I get to go to breakfast and catch up with Ky! I am really looking forward to that!

Well, I guess I better get going for now...just wanted to fill you in on what's happening in my little life this past few days...

TTFN