Back to Life...Back to Reality

So, today was my first day back to work (both jobs in fact) since the 26th of June and boy was it not my fav!
I didn't think acclimating from west to east would be as difficult as it has been for me. I stay up until all hours of the night 'cause I am wide awake and then want to sleep until noon...but then again, that's pretty much normal, i'm just using acclimation as the excuse. HA HA HA.

Hawaii was different then expected, but I do tend to have high expectations, so once I just let myself enjoy it, it was amazing! I will update with photos, commentary and lots of stories later...have to sift through 400+ shots to find you some great ones and i'm sure I will have so many stories you'll be reading my blog for like an hour...ha ha ha. I will try to make it enjoyable, none the less.

On our last day...leaving my family, as always, was hard for me. I have been thinking alot about why i'm in Utah, what keeps me here, and what my future would hold if I packed it all up and moved back to Cali to be near my family...and I honestly am back and forth about the pro's and con's about staying and going.

Change, unless forced upon me, is usually something I avoid like the plague so actually following through with some of my deeper wants sometimes get's overpowered by my fear of change.

I have a tatoo all printed out and ready to go that is the embodiment of "Embrace Change" in a Chinese symbol but I just can't seem to bring myself to tatoo something on my body that I may not be able to follow through with. BUT I REALLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Just have to have patience with myself.

I guess it is like "those people" that vocalize their well being, or their sanity; to paint the picture to others that they are "OK" that they are better then they really are, but in all reality their world is crumbling around them and the control is nothing but a joke. I would rather say "i'm in chaos and fear and I don't like it" to the people I trust, have friends to lean on, and then strive to make things better vs. pretend things are "great" and then crumble in my own insanity all alone when the chaos and fear become to great.

I guess it all boils down to trust and vulnerability. I am fearful that people aren't always trustworthy, and that when it becomes vulnerable, it's all about "taking care of me" attitudes that break down honest loving relationships.

Wow...Where did that all come from? Guess it was something eating at me to come out...I try not to question when words flow as they have just now...I will leave you all with that for now! (Please Please Please know that these are just random babblings and there is no underlying judgement or finger point meant by these words - thanks, the writing staff)

I will be back soon with Hawaii!!! TTFN